More than ever we are unlearning and relearning the ways that we communicate. Our communication - our ability to listen and be listened to - is the foundation of repairing and maintaining connection with each other. As well as connecting the dots of our own fragmented stories in order to heal and feel whole.
Deep listening is a communication skill. It is more than the words we use, it is the tone of our voice, our body language and the gentleness in our hearts. Deep listening is also about getting comfortable with silence and allowing space for reflection amidst conversation. It is a practise, a valuable practise, if we want to support those we love by bearing witness to their story of suffering.
We are meaning making, story-telling creatures.
In my 20 plus years in the healing arts, I have discovered that giving words to our experience and having someone else bear witness to our story is deeply healing. When we suffer we need to express our suffering in order to heal, and we need to feel that we have been heard. This requires deep listening. It means listening with no other agenda than to be present; to be a witness. We may not agree with what is being said, we may even be emotionally activated by their words, but the practise is to remain present.
It is a practise. It is very difficult to remain present when we are feeling activated. The practise is to become aware of our breath, while still listening. Deepening our breath and allowing our activated emotions to move through us, without interrupting the other person in their flow of expression. This is our responsibility; deepening the breath is what gives us our response-ability, our ability to respond. If you feel like you have been the one listening and you, yourself have not been heard, then it is your responsibility to embark on a journey of reclaiming your voice.
Start by asking yourself the following questions:
Are you asking for what you need from your friends and loved ones? If not, why not? If so, why are you not getting the compassionate ear you need?
Do you need to educate your friends and loved ones how best to listen to you? Or do they feel like what you have to say too much of a weight for them to carry?
Do you feel safe enough to express your honest opinions?
Do you need to seek professional therapeutic support in order to be truly heard?
Your voice matters. It is your responsibility to express yourself, so that those in your life know who you really are and therefore know how to better care for you, love you and listen to you. We are meaning making, story-telling creatures and connecting the dots of our own stories is how we heal and feel whole.
