There is no such thing as eternal sunshine because there is no such thing as a spotless mind. If you are anything like me, you have spent a lot of time and energy seeking states of bliss as an antidote to suffering. And you may have found, as I did, that it doesn’t last.
I also found that the chase of eternal sunshine is pathological and ultimately antithetical to a grounded, stable, and relatively happy life. There is nothing wrong with these ephemeral states of joyful bliss, they are gift that can nourish the human experience. But the chase is not dissimilar from the drive of an addict, always seeking more, while never feeling satisfied.
The pendulum always swings from one extreme to the other. What goes up, must come down. And the come down is harsh. As someone who has battled with depression and anxiety my whole adult life, I can tell you that there is no escape from the harshness of our reality that we all must face up to.
There is no nirvana. Nirvana is a Buddhist term for the ultimate liberation from suffering, which is to say the liberation from rebirth into existence. As the 1st of the 4 Noble Truths according to Buddhism goes – life is suffering. The other 3 outline that there is a cause, the cause is aversion and desire, and the way to liberation is the cessation of aversions or desires. Easy, right?
I don’t want to claim to know the depths and nuances of Buddhism, but I can say that from my experience, to be alive is to be bound to aversions and desires. Even while on retreat, withdrawn from the world, there is no escaping our aversions and desires. Notice for yourself, how you spend every waking hour moving towards what you desire and away from what you have an aversion to.
It is simply the reality of biological life on earth. Even a single cell organisms detect chemical changes and move toward food and away from toxins. It is helpful, however, to know that we can ease the swing of the pendulum. It is the Middle Way, another Buddhist term for the path of steady moderation through the treacherous land that we call life on earth.
To me, the Middle Way is a practise of acceptance and a willingness to fully experience my feelings. That means, when the sun is shining, I feel it deeply and let that goodness sink into my bones. That also mean, when the clouds are dark and heavy, I feel it deeply too. I allow it to exist as part of my human experience.
This acceptance of both the sunshine and the clouds is another way of saying that I recognise I have both desires and aversions, and I let them exist because I cannot control them. I can only observe them come and go, just as the weather changes and the seasons cycle. And in that, although it is not easy, it grants me a flavour of fulfillment. Maybe even a taste of liberation.
There is no such thing as a spotless mind but perhaps these spots exist - in our unmet needs, our broken dreams, our attachments to outcomes, our desperate cravings, our suppressed anger, our thwarted goals, our deepest wounds and our most painful yearnings – to nourish the soil from which we grow. Through these experiences we are humbled, accepting our humanity and our inevitable return to humus.
There is no escaping this cycle. But the sooner we recognise that it is indeed a cycle and not a linear spectrum from one extreme to another, the sooner we will find a little more ease adapting to the weather patterns. We can name the nuances of the sunshine, the clouds, the rain, the temperature, the light, and in doing so, accept our attachment or aversion to them.
It is simply our human experience. And maybe, when we are no longer walking in this world, we will know what the eternal sunshine of nirvana feels like. But until then, let's normalise the nuances of suffering so that we can support each other through this treacherous inner landscape and all of its weather patterns.